


Don’t mess with Shinigami (especially if they’re orange)

by 101Gabriella101



Category: Bleach, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Some Swearing, but i hope you like it, this is complete crack, this story is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 07:47:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19080628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/101Gabriella101/pseuds/101Gabriella101
Summary: Before the Final Battle, Voldemort gets quite the surprise, seeing that Harry isn't actually dead. He decides to summon a 'God of the Dead' to finish the job. What he gets is... not what he expected.





	Don’t mess with Shinigami (especially if they’re orange)

**Author's Note:**

> The events as seen by an anonymous 7th year Ravenclaw.

_Harry Potter is dead._

That’s what they said. Harry Potter is _dead_. No. No way. I don’t believe it, don’t want to believe it… But Hagrid is right there, holding him in his arms like a rag doll. And he’s not moving.

The half giant seems devastated and, bloody hell, of course he is. He probably saw it all happen, and then they made the poor sod carry him all the way here. Probably for the best, I suppose. Wouldn’t want any of those miserable _Death Eater_ bastards touching him anyways.

Still…

Harry’s dead.

 

You-kn… _Voldemort_ (I’m still not used to that) has been moaning about… well, something. ‘s not like I’ve been paying much attention to him, you know? ‘I am victorious, now prepare to die’ or some shite like that, probably.

 

…

 

Seriously, he’s telling us to join him now? Are you bloody kidding me? All that, and then he goes ‘would YOU like to be a Death Eater? We are looking for men and women to fill the vacancies you just created!’

Fuck off.

… Not that I’d actually say that out loud, though. I may be angry and bitter, but bloody hell, I’m not stupid yet. Ha. Guess there’s a reason I’m in Ravenclaw then?

 

What the…?

 

I can’t believe it. Of FUCKING course, Draco Malfoy steps up and becomes the first to switch sides! Oh, who would have guessed, huh, I’m absolutely SHOCKED! It’s probably the most idiotic thing to do, but I squint and glare at Malfoy, then my eyes do an impressive 360°, and then I glare some more. Oh, how I wish laser eyes were an actual thing in the magical world. Or something similar at least.

 

Damn bastard.

 

Well, to be fair, the miserable prick looks confused as all hell and ready to start bawling his eyes out.

Still.

And then Neville, of all people, steps out and show everyone _exactly_ why he is in Gryffindor. I know he’s proven himself more than worthy of it, especially this last year, but I keep remember the little kid with the Remembrall. Seeing him standing up to Voldemort himself is incredibly inspiring. Ha, he actually manages to get me a little fired up again. I like him.

 

But then the most impossible thing happens: Harry Potter gets out of the hold Hagrid has him in and runs over to our side. He’s alive! Ha! He’s done it again, he’s survived the killing curse twice!

Oh man. If they kill me right here and right now, I’d be perfectly fine with it, because it’d mean that I died while watching Voldemort’s _stupid_ face, gaping at how he literally got tricked by some kid playing dead.

 

But of course, no one’s paying much attention to me (thank God). On this side, everyone is ecstatic, yelling and screaming for Harry, because this means that there’s still hope, that Neville didn’t just give us some empty words.

The Death Eaters are in shock. The few who aren’t complete morons decide that enough is enough and disappear in a trail of smoke. It’s a few less we’ve got to worry about, I guess. The rest is either still gaping at Harry or looking at their Dark Lord for direction.

And speaking of their Dark Lord… he’s smirking. Just a little, and it doesn’t seem like he’s _quite_ sure of himself, but he’s smirking nonetheless… he’s up to something. Shite.

 

“SILENCE!” he yells. Immediately, the Death Eaters settle and grow cockier. They can tell something’s about to happen.

Voldemort then turns straight to Harry and gives him a slow clap, and then a small bow.

“Congratulations, Harry. I must say that even I did not expect you to survive the killing curse a second time. However!” He turns dramatically to face his followers, hands high in the air, black robe billowing around him. “Measures are always in place for unforeseen situations.”

I have no idea what he means, but clearly the Death Eaters do. Some look excited, others a bit worried, but all are eager. Fuck. This can’t be good.

 

He turns again, once more facing Team Hogwarts.

“And I must say, I’ve been hoping to see just how well this spell will work.”

Snickering rises behind him, but… That’s not really relevant, now is it? He just said that he wants to see _just how well the spell works_? He hasn’t even TRIED it before? Is he mad? Well, obviously, but has he gone even more mad? He could blow up the entire school, including himself! Fuck, I don’t think a measly Protego is going to help with this!

 

Voldemort then raises his wand to the heavens and starts an incantation. I have absolutely no idea what he’s saying, because the Death Eaters have started cheering, raising fists into the air in an act of support for their great leader. Lip reading isn’t an option either, because he’s facing the clouds above, and how good is anyone at lip reading anyway?

Before any of us has had time to come up with a plan to stop whatever he’s doing, it’s already done. A bright white bolt fires from his wand and disappears in the clouds. Lightning flashes, thunder roars, and then the bolt returns to its origins. Voldemort has taken a few steps back to let the spell do its work, and the second the light hits the ground… there’s someone there.

 

He’s dressed in black robes of sorts. The pants are wide and billowing, so much so they almost look like a skirt. On his feet are socks and sandals (and even I know that’s something you just don’t do! Where’s the fashion police?) Instead of a shirt, he’s wearing something that looks like a kimono, if kimonos were waist-length. You know, you tuck one side over the other, and then tie it together? He looks Asian, so I guess the outfit could make some sort of sense.

He’s got orange hair. And I don’t mean Weasley redhead, I mean ORANGE. Sunset orange, safety cone _orange_. It’s not too short and sticks up in a wild sort of look.

He’s got a weapon strapped to his back. He’s facing us, so I can’t really tell what it is, but it looks like a sword. You know, if a sword was over 5 feet long and almost 2 feet wide.

 

But all that is just secondary because, whoever he is, he’s eating an ice cream cone.

A _bloody_ ice cream cone.

I mean full on _oh yeah, gimme the good stuff_ , tongue sticking out, molten goodness all over his mouth.

What. The hell.

 

He seems surprised.

 

“Excellent!” I hear, and _fuck_ , I forgot Voldemort’s still here. “Now then, God of the Dead,” he says, and his Death Eaters are laughing a bit at that, “What is your name?” I have to admit the title is a bit pretentious, but he does seem to exude power. He almost _reeks_ of… well, magic would be the best word for it, I guess.

 

The… God of Death stares at us for a few more seconds, and then slowly turn around to face the one that summoned him. Tongue still stuck to his ice cream. I’m trying so hard not to, but the corners of my mouth keep twitching up. My stomach hurts from keeping in laughter.

“Nanda kore wa?”, I hear, and though I don’t know what language it is, it does sound Asian. Guess I was right about that then.

Voldemort is clearly not in the mood for playing games or wasting time.

“Your name, wat is it? Tell me!” He looks a bit pissed at not getting the immediate and absolute obedience he was clearly expecting.

“Why?”, the guy asks, dropping the hand with the cone and rubbing his sleeve over his mouth. “The hell you want?” He’s got a bit of an accent, but his words are clear.

Voldemort stares at the guy, clearly in chock. His eyes are wide, and his skin is turning a _very_ subtle shade of red.

After about 2 seconds, he quickly composes himself and aims a death glare at the young man in front of him.

 

“I am the Dark Lord Voldemort, soon-to-be ruler of the magical world!” He gestures widely, adding his usual sense of drama to the situation. “I am the one who summoned you to do my bidding, I am your Master! And I command you to…!”

At this point, he raises his wand to point menacingly at his ‘slave’, but the guy… Well, he’s not having it.

“Alright, listen up, Snake-Face,” he says, which earns him shocked gasps all around, as well as a few snickers from the brave and the dumb. “I don’t care who you are, I wanna know why I’m here and what’s going on, so start talking.”

 

Eheh. Snake-Face.

 

“Silence, you insolent fool!”

Oh boy, now he’s done it. Voldemort gets right into his face and shows of the difference in height, which is quite impressive. However, it doesn’t really seem to bother the Asian man all that much. He looks bored. And weirdly focused…?

Oh God.

He’s looking straight into Voldemort’s ‘nose’.

 

A few giggles escape me. I feel like I’m about to have a stroke.

 

“If you will not obey me, I will end you, just like I will end all of these miserable pests! Ava-!”

It is in this moment I thought ‘well, it’ been fun’.

It’s in that same moment that Orange-head takes back a step, drops his ice cream cone (I’m _dying_ , he was still holding onto it), grabs Voldemort’s wand arm with one hand, and then proceeds to clock him right in the face.

Voldemort just falls over and doesn’t get back up. He’s out.

 

Bloody hell.

 

I look over to the other students and teachers, and they are all as shocked as I am. A quick look over at the Death Eaters shows that they feel the same way.

The Asian man then steps over Voldemort’s prone body and addresses the men in black (no pun intended).

“Anyone else?” he says, and he grabs the hilt of his sword, and DAMN. I finally realize I can get a good look at it now and it’s… it’s…

 

Well, it looks like a giant meat cleaver, covered in white strips of fabric, strapped to his back. I have no idea what to think of that, but It’s damn impressive.

The Death Eaters seem to share the sentiment, because as soon as the first one bails, the rest follow in a black cloud of smoke. Every last one of them is gone.

Orange sighs and turns around again and releases his weapon.

 

Then follows a very awkward stare-off.

 

“Okay, can anyone tell me what the hell just happened?” He rustles a hand through his hair, clearly feeling the awkward tension.

A few more seconds pass in silence, everyone too shocked at what just happened to formulate a response.

 

Then I hear a cell phone.

 

Traffic Cone startles and reaches into the folds of his… pants… and pulls out a flip phone, proving that it wasn’t just an auditory illusion.

“Nanda?” he says, which is no help at all. He hums and grunt a few times in response to whatever is being said on the other side.

_Cell phones don’t work at Hogwarts, do they?_ Whatever, that is the least of my concerns.

 

“Ah, Volde- ka nanika. Kare wa hebi no kao o shite iru.”

More silence.

“Majide?”

Again, silence.

“Hm, wakatta. Maatode.”

He then claps the phone shut and stuffs it back into his pocket. He turns around again, grabs Voldemort _by the ankle_ , and then turns to us again.

 

“… You didn’t see anything, right?”

He gets some mumbling and nodding and shaking heads in response. It’s not much, but he seems content with that.

He then looks like he might say something else but decides against is. He turns back, get ready to step (jump?)… and then he’s just gone. With Voldemort.

The person next to me (some kid from Hufflepuff, I have no idea what his name is) turns to me and asks, “Do you know what a… Death God is?”

“Nope. Not a clue.

 

“But whatever it is, I don’t think you want to piss ‘em off.”

**Author's Note:**

> Translations (provided by Google, feel free to correct):
> 
> Nanda kore wa? What the hell is this?  
> Nanda? What?  
> Ah, Volde- ka nanika. Ah, Volde- something.  
> Kare wa hebi no kao o shite iru. He has a snake face.  
> Seriously? Majide?  
> Hm, okay. See you soon. Hm, wakatta. Maatode.


End file.
